 |
| courtesy of freeimages.com |
We had a rare moment with our son who was added to our
family almost two years ago at the age of 8.
He sat at the restaurant table with me and my wife. We were “eating out” to celebrate his
birthday. He wanted pancakes so we sat
in the only restaurant in town that sold them.
He ordered the mini pancakes. The
pancakes were tiny. When he said, “I
will probably want more because this won’t fill me up” I knew better. He is hardly ever hungry and almost never
asks for more of anything. Sure enough,
when he had finished those few half dollar sized pancakes he didn’t want any
more. That probably is a result of lack
of food in his early years. He spent his
first 8 years of life in an institution in Eastern Europe.
Because of his background he has some difficulty forming
attachments. As we ate, my wife began
asking him about feelings, i.e. “Can you think of one time when you were happy?”,
“Can you think of one time when you were scared?” etc. We’ve tried to ask him similar questions in
the past but have not gotten very far.
He usually doesn’t want to reflect too much on his emotions or on his
previous life. This time however he did
give some answers- little glimpses into his heart. What follows is a summary of our conversation
(his words are italicized):
What did you think of us the first time you saw us?
I
just thought you were some people who were there to watch me play the computer.
Did they tell you that we wanted to adopt you?
No. They don’t use that word much and I didn’t
speak English so I didn’t understand.
Did they ask if you wanted to go to America?
They
asked one time and I said, ‘I don’t know’ and they said ‘Go, then.’ so I went.
I
wonder why the other boy didn’t want to be adopted.
Because he was scared and they kept telling him that his
birth-mom would come get him, but she wasn’t going to. (We had tried to adopt another boy along with
our son but the psychologist at the institution kept telling the other boy that
he should stay, that his mom would come for him, etc.)
Yeah. They never do. Once they leave you they never come back.
Have you ever felt sad?
No. Well, when I don’t get to play the computer I
am sad.
That’s more like disappointment. You get disappointed when you can’t play the
computer. Sad means that you feel like you want to cry. Do you remember that in the Bible it says
that Jesus got sad and cried when Lazarus died?
Who
was that?
Lazarus was Jesus’ very good friend and he died. That made Jesus sad and he cried. Even Jesus got sad and cried sometimes.
Oh.
Have you ever been sad and felt like you wanted to cry?
No.
Weren’t you sad when you left your friends at the orphanage?
No. Some of them weren’t my friends.
Children who have been institutionalized have huge obstacles
to overcome. Learning to form normal,
healthy attachments can be one of them. While
our son struggles in this area, he has come a long way. As to his statement that he has never been
sad, that may be bravado, him not wanting to appear weak.
When he left the institution to live with us in his birth country
until the adoption was finalized he never seemed sad. When we took him back to the institution for
the last time to finalize the paperwork there and for him to say his goodbyes
he never seemed sad. On the long plane
ride home he never seemed sad. However,
upon arriving at the airport at Houston, we were hurrying through customs,
collecting our luggage looking after all the other details that had to be taken
care and looked down at our son to find that he was silently crying. Was this grief? Or was it simply exhaustion
from lack of sleep? Could it have been a
combination of both?
His words “Once they leave you they never come back” broke
my heart. As I tucked him into bed that
night I hugged him and said, “I love you.
You are in our family forever.” I
hope he can dare to really believe that.