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Motive Discovered in Death of Cecil the Lion




Breaking News...

The investigation into the tragic death of Cecil the Lion, the beloved male lion from Zimbabwe, has recently taken a decisive turn.  Investigators have uncovered a possible motive for the senseless murder of the iconic cat.  Initial clues led detectives to one suspect, American dentist Walter Palmer.  Police are sure they have the right man.  Palmer's confession to the crime has all but made their case for them.  Police already knew that the murdering dentist fit the profile of an extremist; white, rich, gun-toting.  What had not been determined with certainty was the motive behind Palmer's barbaric act.  That is until investigators received an anonymous tip about the murdered lion's progressive ideology.  Park ranger Pete "PETA" Perkins reported to police that he had received a mysterious phone call from an informant who wished to remain anonymous.  The caller's tip led investigators to search the lion's Facebook page. What they found took the investigation to a whole new level.  The victim's social media account revealed clues that helped detectives put together a motive for the dentist's barbaric act of butchering the defenseless lion.  Amid the usual photos of the lion's pride and harem of lionesses, detectives found a few photos of lion cubs.  Cecil was apparently an affectionate father.  They also discovered another set of photos in an album entitled "pro-choice".  This album contained photos of Cecil terminating unwanted lion cubs.  According to those who knew him, Cecil was a pro-choice advocate who volunteered his time to promote a lion's right to choose whether to let baby lions live or not.  Terminating cubs is a valued part of reproductive rights in the enlightened world of big cats.  Often a male lion like Cecil will terminate unwanted cubs by crushing their heads or severing their spinal cords.  Lions recognize a lion's right to choose and say that if lion infanticide was outlawed then desperate lions would be forced to kill their unwanted cubs in savanna  alleyways under unsanitary conditions. Investigators feel that Cecil's pro-choice stance put him in the crosshairs  of the extremist dentist.  With a solid motive now in place, prosecutors are sure that Dr. Palmer will be convicted and justice will be served.  Pro-choice lions all over the world are watching anxiously for the outcome of the investigation.

In Other News...

Planned Parenthood defends its practice of crushing human babies' heads and severing their spinal columns.  Planned Parenthood recognizes a woman's right to choose to terminate her unwanted baby.  Extremists apparently find this practice appalling and are anti-choice.  Extremists seek to make laws prohibiting human infanticide.  Planned Parenthood prefers to follow the law of the jungle where killing babies is all in a day's work.

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